


There's Me

by Beth Harker (Beth_Harker)



Category: Starlight Express - Phillips/Stilgoe/Webber
Genre: 1984 London production canon, Character Study, F/M, Revised from original, creepy CB, first person POV, mentions of abuse from Greaseball, which was written in 2002
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 22:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19238275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beth_Harker/pseuds/Beth%20Harker
Summary: CB will always be there for Dinah.  That isn't a good thing.





	There's Me

**Author's Note:**

> Back in the early 2000's, I wrote *tons* of Starlight Express fics. Most of them have been lost to the ages, having been originally posted in places like geocities and yahoo groups. I'm playing around with revising the snippets that I can still access, because I have a lot of fond memories of the Starlight Express fandom, and other long lost fan content. Anyway, fixing this fic up was fun, sort of like doing a collaboration with my teenage self (who was going through her grimdark = deep phase. We've all been there, right?).

_Warmth, softness. She’s in my arms, painfully present. Her cool metal frame, bright and resilient, pressing against mine. She's smiling, letting me bask in her unbearable sweetness. Her deep brown eyes see only me. Her hair, smooth thick tendrils of shining gold brush against my cheek like the wings of a butterfly. Her tiny, delicate wheels spin in excited circles as I lift her up, and she kisses me. She smells sweet, liked bread and cake. And... And..._

Where in Starlight did that come from? I blink. A moment of blankness, sweet sensory deprivation, and the visions fade. I'm back, off the track in more ways than one, crouched like a criminal behind a bush. Watching. Just watching. It's not a crime. It's not breaking any of the rules they've set for me. Nobody’s getting hurt. There's no clanging of metal, no crash, no fire. Nothing is lost. My eyes don't dent Dinah’s checkered blue frame. I'm just watching. It’s boring as heck.

 

I'm allowed to watch Dinah. Starlight knows she watches me. Everyone does now. They're all expecting something, and they're right to. I can't stand being so good. I'm back into wide smile mode, but everyone sees through it. Chaos just doesn't work when everyone's expecting it. They wont let me so much as hitch myself behind an engine, or be on my own for more than a few hours. They keep me away from sharp pointy objects, big dull bludgeons, flammable things... But they don't keep me away from Dinah. She's not dangerous, and besides, she doesn't even know I'm here.

 

She's standing still, waiting for her engine. She sparkles, shines in the bright sunlight. She's smiling, stupid, oblivious. There's only one thing on her mind, and I know it. That steamer... diesel... whatever the heck he's supposed to be since his post-race conversation. Her engine, her Greaseball, her obsession. The little idiot's world revolves around him. She worships him. She lives for him.

He's not so perfect. I've seen him yelling at her, berating her. _Shut it Dinah._ I hate it when he says that. I hate it when he gets angry at her. He has no right. She doesn't see what I see though. She sees her perfect, beautiful, engine of love. Starlight I wish I were him.

 

"Greaseball!" she shrieks, as he comes down the tracks to retrieve her. She throws her arms around him, kisses him. She's as much a groupie as she is a girlfriend. She's doing it on purpose. She is! She must know I watch her... she should know. I should tell her. Maybe I'll tell her. Give her a good scare, that would. She'd know the red caboose was watching her, stalking her, lurking in the shadows under her bed. She'd understand everything, and go running towards Greaseball. Maybe I should tell her, and just watch her run.

She has every right to fear me. I'm the villain. I scheme, I destroy. I sit with her while she cries. I wipe away her tears, and tell her everything is going to be alright. I stay with her until she smiles, and I'm sure she's going to be okay. I nearly destroy the engine that makes her cry, take him out of her life forever. I protect her. She should be afraid of me.

Dinah hitches up to Greaseball with a ditzy giggle, and skates off with him, smiling as though life is perfect. Maybe she thinks life is perfect, but it isn't. She's perfect. She's the only thing that is. Greaseball doesn't deserve her. He has no right to her. He has no originality. Oh yes, he's the tough guy, he can make the little engine that could quake in fear. He can't do half the things I can . He can't mangle, and destroy, and deceive. The world doesn't turn to dust as he skates by, with his coach behind him.

I could.

I could do so many things. 

There are so many things I could do.

To him, to her, to them. And I could do it, too. If I wanted to I could.

I could end it for them. She'll never leave him, not ever. He'd leave her, though. He's left her before. I could smash her. I could cause the crash of the century. I could ride my shimmering blue angel straight into a trash heap in a matter of moments. Greaseball wouldn't want her that way. Her confidence would die. She wouldn't be the same girl. But that's okay.

I could take care of her. I would never leave her. 

There's always me for Dinah.


End file.
